Signs
by Katt9966
Summary: An AU companion piece to "Alternatives". Please read the warnings.


Title: - Signs.

Author: - Katt.

E-mail: - kattanon@hotmail.com

Rating: - R.

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it, let me know.

Archive: - I'd be honoured, just let me know. Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive.

Warnings: - This story is rather dark and features the theme of suicide, if this may upset you please don't read any further.

Disclaimers: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX. The song "Warning Signs" is by Coldplay. It was written by Berryman/Buckland/Champion/Martin.

Authors Notes: - This is a companion piece to the AU 200 words partners challenge fic I wrote called "Alternatives", and it is also AU. It may be wise to read that story first, although I don't believe it's absolutely necessary. 

Signs.

__

A warning sign

I missed the good part, then I realised

I started looking and the bubble burst

I started looking for excuses

Come on in

I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in

I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones

That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is, I miss you

Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so.

He smiled sadly at the lyrics of the song that was playing softly in the background. That really is the truth, he thought, he missed her. He hadn't realised until she was gone what a huge part of himself was inter-twined with her presence in his life. Maybe that was the problem, one of the reasons she'd left. He'd never acknowledged the importance of her in his life to himself, let alone to her. She'd been gone for four months, and people always said time was a healer, that it would get easier, well that just wasn't true. As time past the desolation he felt deep inside himself just got worse. He felt as if half his soul had been ripped away.

Leaning back, and closing his eyes, letting the gentle, slightly melancholy music, surround him. He remembered when they'd first met. He'd only gone to the wedding reception because it was a Saturday night, and he really didn't have anything else to do. One of the civilian workers at his precinct was getting married, and had extended an open invitation to the officers on his shift to come to the reception. So armed with a hastily wrapped towel bale he'd gone. The evening was winding down, and he'd just been thinking about leaving when Lucy had walked up to him, and asked him to dance. He'd been so surprised he'd just nodded, and let her take his hand and lead him out onto the dance floor. He'd taken her home and said goodbye, leaving without even knowing her surname. However, when he'd woken up the next day he'd known, just known, that she was the one. He'd never experienced anything like it, and if anyone had described it to him he would have laughed at them. In fact his partner at the time had done just that, when he'd told him that day, that he'd met the woman he was going to marry. He hadn't cared though because he'd known with complete certainty that he was right. After his shift he'd gone around to her place, and when she'd come to the door he'd asked her to dinner. He could still picture the smile that had lit up her face when she'd said yes. There had been no turning back for either of them from that point. He had found the other half of his soul. It was strange he'd been unaware of the gaping hole inside him until he'd met Lucy. Then as her presence filled that hole he'd felt complete, content for the first time in his life. Now that was gone, ripped away, and he knew he'd never get that feeling of peace back again, it was lost to him forever.

He'd been lulled into a false sense of security. He'd thought that at last his time had come, at last he was going to be happy, and he had been at first. It wasn't until they'd been married for a couple of years that Lucy's drinking had become an issue. Maybe if he'd ignored it they'd still be together, it wouldn't have been a good situation, but at least he'd still have her in his life. However, as he'd watched her start to self-destruct he'd had to try and help her. Look where that had gotten him.

Maybe it was his fault that she'd started to drink anyway, he thought. Lucy had told him it was. She'd told him he was never there for her, that he'd never really given himself fully to her. He was reserved, she'd said, never fully letting her into his world. He'd tried to explain that he'd wanted to protect her from his world, from his job, and even from his past, but she hadn't listened. She accused him of being cold, of being unfeeling. If that was true, if he'd driven her to first seek solace in the bottom of the bottle, and then in the arms of another man, then he deserved everything that had happened. He deserved the pain, the desolation, the despair and the loneliness.

He looked inside himself and saw only emptiness. He wondered if he got up and looked in the mirror if he'd even have a reflection anymore. Bit by bit after she'd left he'd felt himself disappearing. Gradually he'd found himself merely going through the motions of living. It was as if the world had been drained of colour, everything looked drab and washed out. There was no flavour, no smell, no sensation left in his life anymore. So what was the point? He thought maybe this aching misery he felt should make him cry, but he didn't think he had any tears left inside. He'd cried himself empty over so many cold, lonely nights after she'd first gone. Maybe he should feel fear then, fear at what he was about to do. To be honest though all he felt was relief. He was tired, and he just wanted it to be finished.

__

A warning sign

It came back to haunt me, and I realised

That you were an island and I passed you by

And you were an island to discover

Come on in

I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in

I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones

That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is, I miss you

Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so

And I'm tired, I should not have let you go.

He felt a strange detachment as he reached forward and picked up his loaded gun from the table in front of him. There were two letters on the table, one for whoever found him to try and explain why. He was a detective, and knew that there should always be a "why" so the case could be closed properly. The second letter was addressed to Lucy. In it he'd told her he was sorry he'd let her down. Sorry he'd not been there for her when she'd needed him. Sorry that he'd missed the warning signs that their marriage was in trouble. He'd told her he was sorry he'd let her go without trying hard enough to persuade her to stay. He'd told her he forgave her, and hoped she could forgive him. For a moment he wondered if she'd care.

As he placed the gun in his mouth, and rested his finger on the trigger, he felt absolutely nothing. A single tear escaped, and rolled down his face unnoticed as he pulled the trigger.

*

After pulling into the parking space Claudette sat for a moment before switching off the engine. It was her first day at Farmington, the first day of her new job. She felt a little nervous, but also a little excited she had to admit.

She was just about to switch off the engine, and get out of the car when the song on the radio caught her attention. She frowned for a moment, it sounded familiar, but she couldn't quite place it.

__

A warning sign

It came back to haunt me, and I realised

That you were an island and I passed you by

And you were an island to discover.

Then it clicked into place. It had been playing quietly in the background at that suicide she'd attended last week. It must have been on repeat on the stereo, and no one had bothered to turn it off. A picture of the wall of the room, splattered in red blood, grey matter and gleaming white skull fragments, flashed through her mind, and she shuddered. Poor guy she thought trying to remember his name. Wagenbach, that had been it, Holland Wagenbach. She felt sad for him, the depth of his unhappiness must have been immense, to see no other alternative than taking his own life. Probably because she was going to be missing her old partner, she wondered about Detective Wagenbach's partner. She wondered how he or she felt about losing him like that. Claudette was glad that it was something she'd never had to go through. All her years on the force, and she'd never lost a partner.

__

When the truth is, I miss you

Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so.

And I'm tired, I should not have let you go.

With a sigh Claudette switched off the engine, not wanting to hear anymore of the song. Getting out of the car she walked towards the station house, towards new challenges and a new future. 


End file.
